Magala Wine

Magala Wine is the color that I currently have on my toenails, but why the heck am I blogging about my toenails? The truth is, I'm not really blogging about my toenails, I'm blogging about Kaylee.

The day we found out that Kaylee's life would be brief, Joey had planned for me to be at the spa for the afternoon. I received a few different treatments that day, but the best was for last - a pedicure! I can't explain it, but there is something about getting my feet all done up that makes me REALLY happy. The only thing I have to do is sit and think about what color I want them to put on; it's fabulous.

While at the spa that day I didn't let on to anyone about Kaylee. My world had crashed, but I didn't see any need to let it crash into anyone else just yet. For just a few short hours it was just me and my girl getting pampered. Admittedly, it was really hard to keep it together that afternoon, but I'm not one for crying in front of people (unless your name is Joey, then I'm usually game), so for the most part I kept my game face on. I left the spa that afternoon not thinking much about anything but my girl. Even my "happy feet" weren't the distraction they usually are after such an occasion.

A few days after getting the pedicure it occurred to me how much I wanted the pedicure to last forever. Wednesday will be four weeks since I had my nails done (and I might I add, it's been a very good pedicure since my feet are still looking decent), but my feelings about wanting it to last forever haven't changed. If anything, they are only stronger.

The day at the spa is one of my favorite memories with Kaylee Hope and to watch my nails grow knowing that the color is going to go away really sucks. There is so little that she and I had together and I find myself grasping for anything and everything, including eternal toenails. :)

I'm learning that while grieving I don't lose my ability to reason, but I lose my desire to do so. At some point I'm going to have to clip my toenails and even if I don't, the color will come off at some point. I could keep the clippings, but seriously, that's gross, hence my wishing the pedicure would last forever. Since it won't last forever I did the next best thing I could think to do: find out what color I was wearing.

I called the spa last week and the receptionist was very kind and went and bugged the nail tech for me. I needed to know what the color was called. I wrote down the color she told me and headed to Ulta to buy it, with the thought that despite nature I would now be able to wear the color for as long as I wanted. I was really glad to have the color in my possession.

As it turns out, I'm not that excited about it. I still love the color, but repainting my nails is not the same thing. It's not just some color that I liked and wanted to wear again. It's a memory and an experience I can't ever have again. Every time I wear Magala Wine now, I'll not only be reminded of our time together, but I'll be reminded of the fact that we no longer get to be together.

I figured that when I bought the color I would use the bottle up, but now I wonder if I'll even open it. I debate if I should touch up the bottom part of my nails where the new growth has come in, but somehow that seems like tainting them, so I haven't done that yet. I wonder if I'll ever be able to repaint my nails with that color and not be crying over my feet. The answer is probably yes, but I don't see that happening for quite awhile.

So, if I seem over-emotional about my toenails, it's not because I've turned into some beauty drama queen, it's because I'm a mom without her daughter.