The Witching Hours, Coping Mechanism #2

Quarantine them! We all need our space. I don't care if you're 2 or 82, at some point we're all bound to reach our limits. When we reach that point at this house I simply put the kids in their room and make them play there. Yes, they of course cry for the first couple minutes, but it doesn't take long and they are happily playing (or should I say destroying?) together.


There may be a mess like this one to clean up, but that couple minutes of picking up is worth the 10 or more minutes of uninterrupted peace I get and now that they are getting older, they can actually help clean up! :)

Rockin' Their New Shades

I couldn't resist getting the kids sunglasses for Easter this year. Walgreens had a buy-one-get-one deal the week before Easter and who was I to say no? BOGOs have become a bit more dangerous since having the twins.

Anyway, although they were not sure what to think of them at first, they will often bring them to me now and ask me to put them on their faces. They wear them for maybe 30 seconds, take them off, play with them and bring them back to me. We usually repeat this process multiple times which is fine with me, since they are SO CUTE in them. :)

The Witching Hours, Coping Mechanism #1

Last week was a particularly rough week in our house. Carson and Keira had already had colds for nearly a week, but after a weekend of family germ sharing in Rhinelander they each got the flu to add to fun. Keira had it especially bad and then decided to share it with yours truly. I don't ever remember feeling so sick in my entire life. I was thankful the toilet was only 6 feet from my bed, as that is a reasonable distance for crawling, my main form of transportation that lovely day. After a full day in bed (a HUGE thanks to my mom and Jess for taking the kids for the day) I was back in the throes of motherhood at about 75% capacity, which I thought was pretty good considering where I had been the previous day.

Anyway, the days at home with two toddlers often get long for this momma and my first day back at it from being sick was no exception. The kids were not fully back to health yet either, and after their naps they were (and often are, sigh...) particularly crabby, and so we entered the "witching hours" with full force.

I try not to get too worked up during the "witching hours" (anywhere from 3pm to 8pm in this house), but it's hard not to stare at the clock during those hours and think "WHERE IS HE?!" even when Joey is not even due home yet. (Sorry Joey, I know I've got some work to do in this area.) One of my weapons of choice during these hours is humor. I often send pictures via my Droid to Joey during the day. This one is from one of those glorious moments...



More to come on my coping mechanisms...

What it means to be loved

A few days after delivering Kaylee Hope, Joey and I were given tickets to go to a Mark Schultz concert together. If you're not familiar with his music, a lot of his songs tell a story, so during the concert he would often preface a song by sharing the story behind it. I love it when songwriters share how songs came about. It is rare that having that added information has made me do anything but appreciate and understand the song more.

That night Mark sang a song I'd never heard before. He prefaced the song by telling us a story his wife, an OB/GYN, had shared with him about a couple who was expecting a little girl. Before he could say anything further I knew this song was going to make me bawl like a baby, no pun intended.

We had met Mark before the concert and as he started singing the song I sarcastically thought to myself, "Really Mark?! You know our story and you're going to sing a song about a baby...do you want to see me cry?!" As much as I didn't want to cry, it was where I was at. My daughter had been gone for a mere 3 days and at that point there isn't much you can do to stop tears, and quite frankly, you shouldn't.

The song started out fine and I was able to keep myself together for a little bit...

For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Getting ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said "I need to see you"
and "could you come in soon"
then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
the tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
then turning to my wife and he said "what do you wanna do?"
and she said...

And here is where it gets fun (translation: the chorus where Jamie breaks down)...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
and I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I just lost it. There was nothing I wanted more badly than to simply be able to be her mom. For a few months that gift was mine, but "that day" had already come and gone and I'm no longer the one who gets to show her what it means to be loved. My heart was and is so full of love for my Kaylee girl, but it is also so very broken.

As hard as that song can be to hear, I LOVE hearing it. I love the way it affirms the validity of her life and my love for her. To have someone put into perfect words how I felt about my daughter, despite the expected outcome, is good for my heart.

Every time I've tried to write about how I felt about Kaylee during the time I had here with her, nothing seems to describe it better than the chorus of that song. It's exactly how I felt about my sweet Kaylee Hope.

The song of course has the happy ending that Joey and I didn't get and that was hard to hear too. Giving up our daughter (even when we didn't have a choice) is the hardest thing we've done thus far and not a day goes by that I don't wish she were here.

The song is often in my head and though it is hard to hear, I love it. I loved her with all my heart and it's so good to be reminded of all that she was and is to us. If you care to hear the entire song, here is a YouTube link.

Magala Wine

Magala Wine is the color that I currently have on my toenails, but why the heck am I blogging about my toenails? The truth is, I'm not really blogging about my toenails, I'm blogging about Kaylee.

The day we found out that Kaylee's life would be brief, Joey had planned for me to be at the spa for the afternoon. I received a few different treatments that day, but the best was for last - a pedicure! I can't explain it, but there is something about getting my feet all done up that makes me REALLY happy. The only thing I have to do is sit and think about what color I want them to put on; it's fabulous.

While at the spa that day I didn't let on to anyone about Kaylee. My world had crashed, but I didn't see any need to let it crash into anyone else just yet. For just a few short hours it was just me and my girl getting pampered. Admittedly, it was really hard to keep it together that afternoon, but I'm not one for crying in front of people (unless your name is Joey, then I'm usually game), so for the most part I kept my game face on. I left the spa that afternoon not thinking much about anything but my girl. Even my "happy feet" weren't the distraction they usually are after such an occasion.

A few days after getting the pedicure it occurred to me how much I wanted the pedicure to last forever. Wednesday will be four weeks since I had my nails done (and I might I add, it's been a very good pedicure since my feet are still looking decent), but my feelings about wanting it to last forever haven't changed. If anything, they are only stronger.

The day at the spa is one of my favorite memories with Kaylee Hope and to watch my nails grow knowing that the color is going to go away really sucks. There is so little that she and I had together and I find myself grasping for anything and everything, including eternal toenails. :)

I'm learning that while grieving I don't lose my ability to reason, but I lose my desire to do so. At some point I'm going to have to clip my toenails and even if I don't, the color will come off at some point. I could keep the clippings, but seriously, that's gross, hence my wishing the pedicure would last forever. Since it won't last forever I did the next best thing I could think to do: find out what color I was wearing.

I called the spa last week and the receptionist was very kind and went and bugged the nail tech for me. I needed to know what the color was called. I wrote down the color she told me and headed to Ulta to buy it, with the thought that despite nature I would now be able to wear the color for as long as I wanted. I was really glad to have the color in my possession.

As it turns out, I'm not that excited about it. I still love the color, but repainting my nails is not the same thing. It's not just some color that I liked and wanted to wear again. It's a memory and an experience I can't ever have again. Every time I wear Magala Wine now, I'll not only be reminded of our time together, but I'll be reminded of the fact that we no longer get to be together.

I figured that when I bought the color I would use the bottle up, but now I wonder if I'll even open it. I debate if I should touch up the bottom part of my nails where the new growth has come in, but somehow that seems like tainting them, so I haven't done that yet. I wonder if I'll ever be able to repaint my nails with that color and not be crying over my feet. The answer is probably yes, but I don't see that happening for quite awhile.

So, if I seem over-emotional about my toenails, it's not because I've turned into some beauty drama queen, it's because I'm a mom without her daughter.

Helping Grieving Friends

With the countless offers to help us, we've been blessed and overwhelmed. If we haven't gotten back to you, please know that we are so grateful for your offer and will be getting back to you as soon as we can. We are still trying to figure out what we need. If our daughter doesn't make it, we are in the easy phase right now. We want to take you up on your offers, and for several of you, we have, but we don't want to take help unless we feel we really need it. This is mainly because the days ahead of us could be long and difficult and that's going to be when we'll need your support the most. From talking with those who've lost a child, the grieving and difficult days don't really ever go away, they just decrease some over the weeks, month and years following the loss.

If you're like me, this is totally uncharted territory and knowing what to say, how to act, how to help, etc. is a bit of a guessing game. I've been reading Molly Piper's blog for some time now and having experienced her own loss, she's shared her experiences publicly on her blog . If you've ever talked to her about her sweet Felicity, it's very clear that her love for her and the ache of losing her is still very real 3 1/2 years later. I'm thankful that she has posted a section on her blog titled "How to Help Your Grieving Friends."

For those who want to help and understand grieving friends better, I HIGHLY recommend reading these short posts as you have time. I hope and pray that our daughter will be a little miracle and what you read won't be relevant to us, but if the doctors are right, this will be information that is worth reading. Either way, at some point in life you'll know someone who is grieving and these articles will be a helpful tool for you. I loved reading them long before we were ever in this position and I hope you will too.

How to Help Your Grieving Friend Posts (these are all listed on the right side of her blog)

How to Help Your Grieving Friend
Just Know That She's Exhausted
She's a Scatterbrain
There Is No Timetable
She May Explode (But Probably Not)
She Can't Grieve on Command
Ask Her Specific Questions
Avoid the Flippant Comfort of Hallmark Answers
Always On My Mind
10 Tips for Bringing Meals to a Grieving Friend
Cleaning Her House is Next to Godliness

Thanks again for your continuous love and prayers for us. We greatly appreciate them!

Praying for us

Joey posted today on some practical ways to be of help during this time for us. One of the specific points he mentioned was prayer, encouragement and support. I'd like to go into a bit more detail on this and be specific in ways that we could use prayer.

For strength...we are tired, very tired. We've received multiple breaks and still feel like total slackers when by late afternoon the two of us are exhausted and we feel like we've done nothing. We want to love our kids well and be good stewards of what we have, but doing that requires much strength. Sometimes it is as simple as having the strength to plan a healthy meal that the kids will eat, rather than just giving in and feeding them junky crackers so I don't have to listen to them whine. It's choosing to get dressed, put the dishes away, sweep up the never ending crumbs from the kids (and us too, I guess we're not 100% innocent here...), etc.

For health...I've got a head cold and the kids have runny noses, so to simply not have to deal with this would be very nice. I miss breathing out of my nose.

For wisdom...we have a lot of decisions to make regarding what to do with our sweet Kaylee Hope. All of the options stink. No parent ever wants to think about this stuff, but we don't feel we have much choice. We've at least been given some warning, so we have time to think about what we would like to do, rather than having to decide in the moment. This time is a blessing, as much as it is very painful, so pray that we'd know what decision is going to be best for our family.

For joy...Kaylee Hope is already a miracle and she is still very much here and alive. Pray that in the midst of our sadness we'd be able to spend more time enjoying her than grieving her.

For peace... As the one carrying our precious girl I'm in a very trying position. I LOVE to feel her move around in me and I try to savor each movement I feel. The tough part is, each time she moves I can't help but wonder, "Is that the last time I'm going to feel her move?" "Is she doing okay?" "Is she in any pain?" You get the idea. Additionally, I find myself constantly waiting for her next movement. On Saturday morning, I thought she may have already been gone. I wandered about the house, wondering what to do and crying intermittently. How long do I give her until I call our doctor? Thankfully, she made herself known later that afternoon. I'm torn when I feel this way. On the one hand I want to run to the clinic every time I'm concerned just to hear her heartbeat. On the other hand, I don't want to be the crazy lady who comes in all the time and even if I did want to be the crazy lady, I have other responsibilities to be taking care of during the day. Lastly, as much as I would love to run to the doctor, going there could mean getting bad news, so I don't exactly relish that idea either.

For hope...we have much to remain hopeful about. Pray that we would remain hopeful about what our future holds, as well as Kaylee's future. Pray that we'd be willing to hope and pray for a miracle. Our God is more than big enough to heal her. Right now, we don't have much hope for a miracle, but that doesn't mean we can't have hope for her life. Part of us expects that when we go in for our next ultrasound, all will be better because so many people love her and are praying for her. As much as we love that thought, we are not willing to hold on to it because the weekly heartbreak of hearing she is still sick would be too much to bear. So, in the midst of all of this, pray that we would remain hopeful.

I think these are the main things for now. Thank you all for praying for us. We need it.